This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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