I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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