Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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