I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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