Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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