His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You are the jesus of drinking
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
