Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
