"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
