I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Houston, we have a squirter
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
