I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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