According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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