you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
