I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
