he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
