Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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