"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
