The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
