I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
