Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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