I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
