He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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