I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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