Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
