I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Drake has all the answers
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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