my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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