Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
