Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize