I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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