How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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