She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
