Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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