Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
