Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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