So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
