That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
