We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize