matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
