I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize