Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
