nut hugger
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
