New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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