I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
