my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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