So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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