Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
