My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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