Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize