Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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