Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
