I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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