How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
