You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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