You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This baby is an asshole
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just want nice things and good sex
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
