I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
