I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
